My friend, Ryan Pezzollo, had overdosed two days earlier, and now here we all were, trying to understand and piece together the emotions flooding our bodies. Ryan, only 23 years old, is the second person in our circle that has passed away at a young age. (This past April, IRD MC, Spitty Crack, also lost his brother Kristian, to a drug overdose)
From the back row, I looked to my right to see his girlfriend of seven years, in absolute pain, trying to comprehend the ugly fact, that Ryan was no longer on this earth. No more dinners, no more late night movies, no more anniversaries to celebrate, it was over. Ryan's family sat in the front row. The visual of Ryan dressed in his finest suit, rosary beads wrapped around his hands, without the slightest breath expel from his lungs, could only have made this more real for the family. No longer could his brother enjoy the embrace of his older brother, no longer could his parents see him grow up to become a man and form a life of his own. No, it was over and life for them had changed forever. This realization of loss was not as prevalent to me when Kristian died, because at his memorial there was no body, it was memories. The sight of Ryan's body sent me into a deep part of my mind, and the reality that he was truly gone, was setting in. I tried to understand how Ryan's family felt and how Spitty and his family felt, when he had to lay his little brother to rest. The feelings that arose shook me to the bone. The concept of permanent loss is not an easy thing to accept. I put myself in this situation and thought how would I deal if it was me, kissing my brother's face, for the FINAL time before he was buried. To be honest, just the thought of it, has me in tears right now. For real, that concept is too heavy for me to comprehend. The pain, frustration and hopelessness these families feel, must be unmeasurable. I left the funeral home depressed, hurt, and mostly confused. Through the rest of the day I was constantly questioning myself about what I am doing in this life and where I need to go.
Going to sleep has always been a problem of mine, and that night was even worse. I can never shut my mind down, so I turned on the TV to calm down and take my mind off negative feelings. I suddenly came across one of the ESPN 30 for 30 documentary specials, Into the Wind. It was a in-depth documentary about Terry Fox, a young Canadian athlete who developed cancer at the age of 18, and at 20, had his right leg amputated six inches above the knee. While receiving treatment, Terry saw many young people lose their life to cancer and he felt the younger cancer patients showed no will to fight it. To raise awareness and inspire others to fight their cancer, Terry vowed to run across Canada... with 1 leg. Later in the film, Terry was close to completing his feat, until he had to stop from a pain in his chest. He was told his cancer spread to his lungs. I broke down during this deeply emotional part. But this breakdown was inspirational. Although I couldn't control my tears, I could control and understand my emotions. The mixture of feelings were massive and powerful. It was a culmination of Kristian's and Ryan's death, the wake, the film and what I have gone through over the past few years. The words of Terry's father saying his son's death was the single worst day of his life moved me. I realized that my family is number one in my life. I need to appreciate the moments I have with them. I will not have regrets the day they leave here, because I am aware of what is truly important. Everyone should make it a point, to tell the people they care about, that they love them, and take time to enjoy what you have with them.
Watch this and be inspired: These past two deaths I have experienced this year have flipped my perspective on life and my understanding of it. The realization, that in an instant, I could lose someone special to me. That in an instant, I can go sleep and not wake up in the morning. From what I know, this is it. We have one life, and when it ends, our time on this world is over. Terry Fox further motivated me by this quote, "I told myself I will not give up. I'll keep going no matter what happens. If I die, I will die happy because I'm doing what I want to do." My situation is very different from Terry's, but I took the essence of his quote and applied it to myself. I am pursuing a career that has the odds highly stacked against me. I could have went the easy route. My college professors told me I had the skills to be a successful attorney. Everyone who hears that I have a criminal justice degree, tells me I should pursue law enforcement because of the job security. Everyone who hears that I work at Stony Brook, tell me to stay there because of the benefits. All of that is not what I want to do, and although those are great careers and guaranteed to make me financially secure, in the end, I won't be happy.
Yesterday, I spoke with an older gentlemen and told him how my friend hates his job (he's making great money for a 24 year old, 60k+/year) and he said "Well, he'll probably go through hating it, and get it used to it after awhile". Get used to hating something, just because the money is good? To me that is an ultimate sign of weakness and in ambition. After what I have been through and seen this past year, I'm saying FUCK THAT! I've seen my peers done up by the mortician and when the realization that it can happen to me, I am not going to settle for anything. One life, and I'm going to live it being average? NEVER, this music is my life and what makes me happy. I want it to be clear, I will sacrifice everything, beside my family, to make this happen. Do not settle, because when your staring at your body in the casket, will you be satisfied with what you have done here? I want to achieve many things and reach my highest potential possible. I am not here on this earth to be average, I want to be great, and there's no reason everyone else shouldn't reach for their greatness. I will do amazing things in this world because I know it is possible and I'm ready to work for it. I push myself everyday because anything less is a waste of my life. I just want people to know that after seeing two friends dead, with no opportunity to live up to their potential, I will stop at nothing to live this mothafucka to the fullest!
Ryan and Kristian were huge fans of our music and I know they wanted to see myself, and IRD succeed. I want to let you both know, it's going to happen. This music that we continue to make will be in remembrance of both of you. Ryan's fiancee, Danielle, is one of our biggest fans, and has given us major support since the very beginning. I want her to know that IRD lends all of our prayers and support to her, as well as the Pezzollo family. I hope this post can provide some type of motivation, inspiration for you. I needed to vent and I thank you for reading.
Rest In Peace My Brothers
Kristian "Randy Savage" DiPiano
July 5, 1989- April 1, 2010
Ryan Pezzollo
January 30, 1987- September 26, 2010
1 love to all,
Cpt. Hyperdrive
that was beautiful
ReplyDeleteCpt, I just read your post and wanted to thank you for "getting it". If there's any lesson to be taken from Ryan and Kristian's untimely passing, it's that life is short, and even shorter for some, and it's up to you make the most of it while you're here. There are no guarantees.
ReplyDeleteRyan lived with us this past Summer and was really proud of your music, often playing it for me on his IPod. He expected great things from you guys. Don't let him down.